


Is this Bittersweet Love, or just a Lowcast Storm of Hate?

by Aki-gelicmon (akinikko)



Series: The Levels Between Us [2]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Allen has a few trigger episodes, Allen is still a little Shit, Allen still has secrets, Developing Relationship, Established Crushes, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, Just: Fluff Hate and Angst, Kanda (obviously) knows Martial Arts; Just doesn't use it, Kanda has a few miss heart attacks / strokes, Kanda has secrets, Kanda is still a cold bastard, Mentions of Alma Karma, Mentions of Lulu Bell, Mentions of Mana Walker, Mentions of Tyki Mikk, Minor Appearances from Road, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Some chapters won't be named... You'll have to give me some time for them, Suicide Attempt, There is no smut in this as far as I think, there is a lot of angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2018-09-02 15:38:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8672935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akinikko/pseuds/Aki-gelicmon
Summary: A few years pass, and Allen and Kanda have developed a somewhat Friendly-Hate relationship.Both have scared each other to death with small episodes due to their illnesses, and other times just enjoying the quiet and each other's company.But, when something triggers and Allen isn't Allen anymore. Kanda reacts in a way that scares himself, and destroying everything he believed their relationship to be.





	1. Why?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanda for the first time see's one of Allen's major psychological attacks, and for the first time in the nineteen year old's life, he was scared for someone other than himself.
> 
> For Allen's his life just got a little more complicated than what it already was, when the voices return, leaving him in a chaotic mental state and constantly fearing everything and everyone around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bold italics are the voices that Allen hears in his head (due to his schizophrenia)  
> Just plain italics are everyone's thoughts.

He stared at the doctors as they rushed into the single room. The screams made him flinch, as he felt his hands clench into fists. The voices, demands and orders became nothing but muffled sounds around him, as he watched them bring out the emergency bed.

_'Why now... Moyashi...?'_

He felt a hand on his shoulder as the one he was watching was rolled away, the sounds of metal clashing as the younger struggled to unrestrain himself, and the cries for help and forgiveness echoed though the halls.

"Yū."

He turned to the red-haired nurse as the elder frowned at his patient. Lavi saw the glimpse of fear and worry in the younger's eyes before it was pushed away and Kanda turned on his heels heading somewhere far away from the Psychiatric Ward, but still within the hospital grounds. He just wanted to know why it had happened.

He sat down on the bench on the roof and stared at the floor. Everything playing out in his head again.

 

• •

_"Are you really that gullible Moyashi?"_

_"Its Allen. BaKanda."_

_They were both heading back to Allen's room, after spending a few hours in the garden -before it began to rain - the water just catching them as they made it inside, only their hair damp a little along with their clothes. Allen decided he was going to go and change into dry clothes, and even though Kanda wasn't allowed in the room, he still walked the younger back. They talked about when the next time they'd both go up to the roof would be, or when Kanda would next want to go and visit the garden._

_Then it randomly happened, Allen stumbled in his steps before falling to the floor, gripping his hair firmly. Kanda instantly fell to his knees next to the younger and pulled the kid close, as Allen clutched his head, small whimpers leaving the younger, before Kanda shouted for a nurse or doctor.  
A scream ripped itself from Allen as he struggled in Kanda's arms just for the elder to mutter soft 'shs' and hold Allen closer, gripping the younger ones wrists before he could scratch his ears or face even more, like Kanda had seen him try a few times before, it had happened before, but it was mostly just Allen scattering to the corner of Kanda's room as the episodes began, and Kanda having to use his button to call Lavi. Kanda honestly didn't even know what triggered them sometimes._

_"Get out... Of my h-head!" Allen cried out, as he struggled more. "G-Go away...!"_

_"Moyashi... Snap out of it."_

_Kanda gritted his teeth as he felt the dull pain in his limbs. Kanda was feeling way to many emotions, as he watched Allen trying his best to calm the other. He began to take slow deep breaths as best he could, as the younger still struggled in his grasps._

_"Please Allen."_

_A silver orb looked up at blue as he gritted his teeth and shook his head. Arching in pain, before he finally got out of Kanda's hold and moved away curling up and gripping his head again before a few doctors and nurses came to sort Allen out, Lenalee and Lavi heading towards the commotion, only to kneel down and get whatever they could out of Kanda, who was slightly trembling._

• •

Kanda looked up as he felt the drop of rain against his foot, before feeling more on his face. He should probably head back inside, if he didn't he could make himself more ill, and that would worry everyone. Standing up the elder made his way to the doors, before pushing it open, and heading back down to the fourth level. He contemplated going to the Psychiatric Ward, but decided against it and just headed back to his own room. He wasn't allowed to see Allen anyway, even if he was in his room. They wouldn't let him in, he isn't family and he definitly doesn't work here either. Sighing, he reached the elevator and stepped inside when it arrived before pressing the button for the first level floor, and headed to his room. Kanda was just going to try and sleep until Lavi or Lenalee can tell him more on Allen's situation.

Kanda wasn't sure why, but he needed to know if the younger was alright. He didn't know why, he just needed to know.

* * *

Allen on the other hand continued to struggle against the bed, his hands fisting as he continued to shout at them to release him. Komui stood next to the bed and tried to shush the teen, telling him that if he calmed down, they'd release his restrains.

_**"So noisy... Maybe if you were quiet and stopped struggling they would let you go... But you never are quiet or still are you Allen. You are always fidgety and loud. All. The. Damn. Time."** _

"I-I... I-I'll be good... P-Please."

_**"You're never good Allen. You always disobey."** _

Komui stared at the grey orb filled with fear, the younger's hair sticking to his face as he choked a little and turned his head away, before letting out a scream when he caught glimpse of the needle.

_**"Maybe they've finally had enough of you..."** _

"N-No! P-Please. I'm sorry." Struggling more he pulled at the cuffs holding his wrists and ankles to the railings of the bed. "Please."

_**"You're done for Allen. You should have obey orders."** _

The other doctors soon tied the straps over his chest and thighs as well as his stomach, before one inserted the needle he was holding into the youngest arm. Komui stood there as he softly ran his fingers through the dampened strands from the sweat Allen had built up. The youth's body started to grow sluggish before it completely stilled, but the rise of Allen's chest showed the doctors that that boy was alive and breathing just under a deep sleep.

_'Allen... We're going to talk soon...'_

The therapist frowned as he stroked the boys hair, before exiting the room with the rest of the doctors leaving the teen asleep in the therapy room. Komui sighed as he saw his sister and Lavi run up to him.

"H-how is Allen?"

"He is sleeping..." The two nurses nodded but both frowned at the words. "How is Kanda? He seems to have grown somewhat fond of Allen?"

"He is well... He is worried." Lavi started.

"He wants to see Allen..." Lenalee mumbled before tuning to look at the teen through the window. "He wants to know 'Why' it happened."

Komui nodded and sighed before turning the two around and all headed for Kanda's room again, so Komui could explain to Kanda what had happened and what the main reason could be of why this had happened.

* * *

Kanda looked at his door as it opened seeing Lavi and Lenalee walk in, followed by Komui. Kanda looked between them before going to ask something but held back. They already knew what he was probably going to ask, but knew that the elder was going to struggle with asking the question.

"He is sleeping." Komui spoke up as Kanda turned to look at him. "I was wondering if you knew why this happened, but Lavi and Lenalee have both told me, you are wondering the same question as well."

"Y-yeah... I guess." Kanda muttered, looking away and down at his hands. "W-what did you diagnose him with...?"

"I'm not allowed to give that information out... but..." Komui made sure the door was locked and then turned back to the younger. "He was diagnosed with a lot of issues."

Kanda's eyes widend as he turned back to Komui again, urge the doctor to go on with his speech.

"The main ones are PTSD, Schizophrenia and RAD."

"H... Allen... He uhm..." Kanda lowered his head. "Kept repeating 'Get out of my head' before shouting it."

"Kanda. Why didn't you tell Lavi or Lenalee this earlier?"

"I'm not... Sure..." The younger turned back to the therapist and the two nurses. "I was scared. For once. I was actually scared, and it wasn't for myself."

"Kanda..."

"I'm tired... I want to sleep..."

Lavi and Lenalee both nodded, as Lenalee directed her brother out of the room, and Lavi did small check ups on how Kanda's heart was dealing with everything. The younger did look extremely exhausted, and probably was both physically and mentally. Even if he had seen the minor attacks that Allen has had, Kanda had never really seen one of the major attacks, where Allen reacted like he had done.


	2. Can You Handle Knowing?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allen decided on his own will to tell Kanda what happened before he was admitted to the hospital. If they were going to be friends, Allen didn't want to keep any secrets.
> 
> The question is, can Kanda handle knowing this information after seeing Allen in one of his weakest stages?

He sat in his room, leaning against the back of his bed. Grey orb stared at the floor as he traced shapes on his floor, a silent tune being hummed in his head, that wasn't him humming it.

"Please... Stop."

_**"Why... Is it annoying you?"** _

_**"No its annoying me you piece of shit. Shut the fuck up Nea."** _

"So... You do have a name?"

_**"Way to fucking go Red. I had a game I would play with the brat. I'd make him guess my name, but you've ruined it now."** _

_**"Oh boohoo. Grow up."** _

Allen sighed, they'd been like this for the past six hours and he was so tired, but they wouldn't shut up and he couldn't sleep. He wanted to go and see Kanda as well, but Komui wouldn't let him out of his room until the two were silent for at least three hours.

"I want to see Kanda... This place is boring."

_**"Kanda... Is that the guy who was with you... When I returned."** _

"Shut up." Allen frowned. "Don't even mutter his name."

_**"Isn't he your only friend?"** _

"No."

_**"Nurses don't count Allen. You should know this."** _

_**"C'mon Nea, don't be such a dick to him. Let him befriend who he wants."** _

_**"You asked the question Red, don't pin this on me. You little shit."** _

"Would you both shut up? Please, it's giving me a headache."

Allen stood up and walked to the edge of his bed, before pressing the button that called Komui to his room. It wasn't long before the therapist had stepped inside, just to wince inwardly at Allen's exhausted appearance.

"Komui... When can I go and see, Kanda?"

"Have they stopped?"

"No. They won't ever shut up."

"I'm sorry Allen... We can't let you out, just in case you have an episode again."

"B...but..."

_**"Let him go see his boyfriend."** _

_**"Nea they are just friends."** _

Allen blushed before burying his head into his hands and growling a little. Komui just stood near the door, and watched the boy as he dealt with the voices.

"Ohmygod will you both shut up. It's not like that!"

_**"Riiiight. Of curse it's not."** _

_**"Woow. You are such a hypocrite Red. First you tell me not to whined him up. Yet you do it yourself."** _

"Komui... Please..." Allen sighed and looked at the therapist. "I need to get out of this room... It's too quiet."

"Allen..." The elder sighed before removing his glasses and rubbing the inner corner of his eyes, then putting his glasses back on. "Fine. Just for a few hours then you come straight back here."

"Understood."

The younger smiled as he hugged the man before walking out of the room when Komui opened the door for him. Allen instantly headed towards the elavators so he could go see Kanda.

* * *

When he reached them and pressed the button, he fisted the hem of his shirt and rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet, before he froze as the doors opened, and he just stared at the teen in front of him.

"K-Kanda...?"

"Moyashi..."

Allen blinked before letting out a small sigh and smiled before stepping into the elavator and raised his hand to the button panel.

"Rooftop?"

"Hn."

"Okay. Rooftop it is."

The two stood in silence as the elavator made its way to the rooftop, this was usually how it went on their trips. None of them would talk until they actually reached their destination. It's the same when they went to the garden ad well, or to Kanda's room - unless it's little disagreements - the journey's were always quiet. It was always unnerving to Allen, because it gave Nea and Red the chance to start talking again, and that never turned out good. Ever.

_**"Hey Red. You said they were just friends right...?"** _

_**"Yeah... I mean, they haven't done anything to determine otherwise on their relationship."** _

_**"Then... How come Allen knows what Kanda means by just the word 'hn' like that could mean absolutely anything..."** _

Allen frowned as he gripped his covered left arm, looking away from the front. He tried to ignore the voices. _'Why are they even being so nosey? It has nothing to do with them?'_ Allen kept his eyes anywhere from any reflecting parts of the elavator and Kanda next to him.

_**"Look. The kid doesn't want us talking about him."** _

_**"I wouldn't want you talking about me either, but it's not like I can do shit about it."** _

"Fuck off."

Allen muttered quietly to himself, as Kanda looked at him from the corner of his eye. He took in the tense state of the younger's shoulders and the grip on his left arm.They made it to the rooftop, well Kanda made it there, Allen was somewhere on the stairwell again. The younger had told him to carry on and just sat himself down on the stairs.  
Kanda sighed and walked over to the stairs, opening the door a little, and frowned seeing the younger trembling as he gripped his hair again. Quietly he made his way down the stairs and knelt in front of the younger teen. Softly he set his hands on Allen's shoulders, before the younger flinched and lifted his head a little. His grey orb shimmered a little, as he stared at the blue ones in front of him.

"Allen..." A small hitch in the younger's breath, allowed Kanda to know he was listening as much as he could. "Don't let them get to you."

"I.. I'm not..."

"Don't fucking lie. I saw in the elavator."

Allen bit his lip and looked away, before shaking his head and burying it back into his hands. Kanda sighed and forcefully lifted the younger's head to look at him.

"Don't. Let. Them. Get. To. You."

"K-Kanda... Why are you doing this?"

"Stop asking stupid unnecessary questions Moyashi." The elder stood up and frowned setting his hands on his hips as Allen stared up at him. "Now hurry the fuck up. I am not sitting I'm the stairwell for the next hour."

"R-right! Sorry."

Kanda glared at him and Allen flinched. Oh yeah. The elder had asked him not to continously apologise over trivial things a fee years ago, yet even if Kanda had said that, Allen still had the habit of apologising over trivial things.

* * *

"Kanda."

"Hn."

"D-Do..." Allen took a deep breath before continuing. "Do you want to know...?"

"Huh?"

Kanda looked at him as Allen smiled and raised his left hand to his left eye, then Kanda understood what Allen was asking him. He was asking if Kanda wanted to know why. There were so many why's. He didn't have an answer to any of them. All his why's and Allen wanted to relieve him of his constant fuss over them.

Why everything happened? Why he was in hospital? Why he was hearing voices? Why he couldn't use his left eye? Why he could remove the bandages off his left arm? Why did he fear everything around him?

"And if I do tell you... Will you be able to handle it all...?"

"I..."

Could he handle it. Could he handle Allen's past. He hadn't said a thing about his own, but then again what was there to tell? Allen had more of a past than what Kanda probably had himself.

"I need to know. I don't want to make anything worse for you Kanda."

"What do you mean?"

"It's... Not something you would casually go round telling everyone on the first meet up..." Allen quietly said. "But we have known each other since I was thirteen... That's four almost five years." He turned to the elder. "I already made the decision to tell you... I just need to know if you are capable of handling it."

"I don't..."

"You have a serious heart condition Kanda... Any thing between large amounts of shock or stress could easily send you into cardiac arrest." Allen lowered his head as he stretched put his legs, hands resting either side of his thighs as he frowned. "I don't want that to be my fault. I don't think I could handle knowing I almost killed you."

"Moyashi."

"You... Are the first person I have ever actually had any kind of relationship with outside of my family... I'm grateful that you have put up with me for so long."

Kanda sat there, taking a deep breath he sighed before deciding whether he wanted to know or not. He wanted his questions answered, but could he honestly take in Allen's past. He also didn't want Allen to feel guilty just in case it is too much for him too handle and he does enter cardiac arrest.

"It's fine. I can handle it." Kanda turned to Allen as the younger looked back at him. "You can tell me. I can handle it."

"Tell me if you want me to stop. I will." Allen took a deep breath. "Please, just tell me if it's too much too take in, Kanda."

"I promise."

_**"He is gonna tell him...?!"** _

_**"Are you an idiot Allen? Can you really tell him?"** _

_**"Nea is right... Do you really want to relive it all. Mana, Tyki... Road...? All it?"** _

_**"Every last second... Every punishment... Every night with Tyki...?"** _

Allen stared at the floor, his body trembled as he took a deep breath. He had already made up his mind, and Kanda had given him confirmation that he wanted to know. So Allen was going go tell, even if it meant reliving his worst nightmares once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh right. Allen is about 17 going on 18 and Kanda is 19 going 20 in this story.


	3. They Were Named Noah. (Pt. 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allen talks about sections of his past to Kanda, and tells him what he could remember to why he was in hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be split in to 2 or 3 parts... I don't want to just slump it all into one chapter.
> 
> Also " • • " Is just a small break. Allen is still talking but it's just to break it up a little. No time skipping, hence why this might be spread out into parts during chapters to come.

Allen nodded. Kanda had agreed to wanting to know and that he could take Allen's past. Biting his lip, the younger tried to think of where to being. Maybe he start with Mana. He turned a little to look at Kanda, crossing his legs on the bench, he sighed.

"I guess. I'll start at the beginning?"

"If you want."

"Well... I think, it was from the age of six... Probably, I was in an orphanage... Uhm, I don't remember my real parents, I was too young, plus with everything that has happened since, it wouldn't be a surprise." Kanda nodded as Allen traced patterns on the bench, before the younger continued. "That's when I met Mana... and his brother Nea... It's kind of funny now that I think about it. One of the voices I hear... It's called Nea as well. Mana was my dad, well, not officially, because we didn't actually have the papers to do it, and I didn't care about it, since we were always on the move... I get the feeling Mana was trying to run from something, or someone now that I think back, but at the time I didn't question why we were constantly moving every two weeks."

Kanda was right. Allen's past was probably way more interesting than his own, and all the younger had told him was that he was an orphan who was unofficially adopted by a man called Mana, who he called dad, and Mana's brother Nea, who was basically his uncle. Kanda stayed quiet, but he would sometimes shift a little in his seat, or hum to let the younger know he could continue talking and Allen was greatful that the elder was listening to him.  
He was still cautious about Kanda's condition, because it was only a small portion on Mana, before things would turn dark. That's also when Allen was going to start keeping a close eye on Kanda, before silencing himself and maybe leaving the rest for another day, depending on how Kanda was taking all the information, and processing it.

"Mana was amazing. He taught me so much, like the essentials of reading and writing, counting, all the stuff you would learn at school. The orphanage I was at didn't really give an equal amount of treatment to the kids... Instead they would always favourtise against certain kids and leave the other kids out. Though... Most things don't last a very long time, and it was around the time I had turned eight or nine and well, whatever Mana was running from, had caught up to him, and I was caught in the crossfire."

A quiet shuddered intake of air came from Allen, as he halted on drawing patterns against the bench and clasped his hands together in his lap. Something that Kanda took great note in, because it told the elder that when this action would take place, Allen was either going to remember something horrible, or possible know something horrible would happen.

"It was a house fire, and it is partially the reason that I have a fear of fire. Plus the reason why my arm looks like black charcole mixed with a little bit of red paint. Mana had been on the run from a few distant relatives. They are various family, but they all went by one singular name, and that name was 'Noah' and well me being a child, I didn't quite understand why, but then I realised why."  
He ran a hand through his white locks before pitifully letting out a solem chuckle. "It was a gang name in a way. Like a mafia..." Allen trembled a little, "And I was a prized winning possession for one of the members, but Mana... He didn't get to see another living day." Allen lowered his head. "He was burned alive, and I am pretty sure one of them had shot Mana a few times, just to make sure that he wasn't going to come for me. I didn't even know why they kept me alive, not until I had met _him_ that is."

"Him?"

"Tyki... Mikk..." Allen gulped and looked at Kanda, the elder pratically drowned in the fear mixed with hatred that was found in the younger's single grey eye. "My step brother, and the number one reason for me being admitted to the Psychiatric ward at this hospital."

• •

"The Noah's... They were well. They were well-off. I believe there was thirteen of them, Lulu and Adam... The parents. You didn't ever disobey their commands, especially Lulu's. If you disobeyed Lulu, then the punishment was far greater than disobeying Adam. It was horrible some punishments even lead to the small forgotten members of the family that people didn't even remember what they looked like or what their names even were, dying. I found out when involved with the mafia, you should be prepared for death at any second. There was so much death." Allen shivered at a few memories of his first time with the Noah family.  
His first times disobeying Lulu, and when he gained his first lot of scars. "Then you had Jasdero and Devitto, the twins who were adopted into the family after their parents from a co-family had died. They had issues, they didn't like to be touched and I found out it was because certain members of their family would mistake them for girls, and it never ended prettily for the twins." Kanda griminced at the thought of what happened to the two, before turning back to Allen who frowned.

"That's... like the Yakuza's you find where I was born..." Allen looked at Kanda curiously. "Yakuza is like the Japanese term for Mafia, and the punishments for going against the Yakuza were horrible. My dad would tell me sometimes old stories of when he was a kid. It was horrible, but my mother would always scold him for telling me, because I was so little at the time."

Allen let out a quiet laugh, as Kanda faintly smiled at the memories, but then looked at Allen as the younger's laugh died down. Right, he was telling him about his past. Well, at least Kanda had gotten Allen to laugh a little before they went back to hearing the horrific backstory of Allen, himself.

"My first time being punished was actually by Lulu herself. I hadn't done my chores. See, since I they were apart of the family, - as soon as Mana and Nea had taken me in - I was made apart of that family. I was tied down to them, and I have no way of escaping. Even here, I am still tied down by the Noah's. They are just smart enough not to step foot into this hospital, knowing that it would raise alarms amongst the staff." Allen clenched his fists. "But my firsts lot of punishments, when I had forgotten about my chores, because Road decided she wanted to play with me."

"Road?"

"Road... She is Tyki's niece, and technically my niece too. Her father is Tyki's actual brother, Sheril Kamelot. I don't know why they have different last names. I was too scared to ask." He sighed and frowned. "Road wanted to play with me. She knew I had a secheduel to obey that Lulu and Adam had set for me, yet she refused to allow me to stick to it, and for that I was punished, because I was ten minutes late on doing my chores. Lulu had beaten me, and I gained my first set of scars, on my lower back. They're probably faded by now, or covered by new scars, but it hurt, and I made sure to do my chores on time, or earlier if I finished the jobs before quicker."  
"My second lot also came from Lulu, and this time it's because I interacted with another family who was co-joined with the Noah's without permission, and Adam and Lulu had caught me in the act." Allen stared at the sky, "Lulu had punished me physically... But Adam... He had locked me in the basement, and the basement from that day onwards became my bedroom. It was dark, absolutely no light. Just a bed and blankets and a single pillow. It was horrible, and I had stayed in that room until I was admitted here. The only times I was allowed out, was to do my jobs around the mansion."

"You were basically a pet to them?"

"Yes. Exactly. I was an outcast. I wasn't born into one of the co-joined families, I was only adopted into the Noah's because of Nea and Mana." Allen chuckled. "They didn't see the worth of having to treat me respectfully, when Mana was just a lower cast member of the family. Nea on the other hand. He was basically the same rank as Tyki, and I guess, I looked up to him. Until he disappeared the day the fire happened."

"Some uncle..."

Kanda muttered to himself quietly, but from the chuckle that left Allen, he figured the younger had heard him. Oh well.

"Anyway. After I was moved to the basement... I guess Tyki saw this as his chance to well, claim me as his own." Allen stared at Kanda and gulped. "I guess I could say, I know how the twins felt, before they became a permanent memeber of the Noah's, because Tyki didn't hold back at all."

"Y-you mean..."

"Yeah... I was Tyki's little toy to play around with to his heart's content. Lulu and Adam didn't object to anything, because well. As we had already branded it. I was the pet of the Noah family." He shuddered, and set his head into the palm of his hands, before taking in a large gasp of air. "But it wasn't just Tyki... The bastard thought it would be fun to sometimes bring some friends along for the _parties_ , as he would name them. Parties, over my dead body - amusing right. It's how I felt half the time when Tyki was finished, dead and filthy."

• •

"Allen..."

"Hmm?" He looked at the elder, who had turned to face him, sitting like he was on the bench. Though, Allen flinched, when Kanda had reached out to wipe the tears that Allen didn't even know were building up. "You don't have to tell me everything in one go. You said that yourself. Take your time, don't rush."

"K-Kanda..."

"Honestly... From what you have already told me. You've already had it hard, and I already can tell, it gets even more difficult as the story continues."

"I... Is this you telling me, to stop, and continue another time?"

"If that is what you want to do Moyashi... Then I guess it can be."

Allen took a small breath of air, before nodding his head, that was still being held by Kanda. Blinking, the younger bit his lip and nodded more, before gritting his teeth.

"Okay... Y-yeah... L-Let's stop..." Kanda frowned before tugging the younger into a hug. "I was prepared to tell you, and asked if you could handle knowing... Yet, it should've been the other way. I should've been questioning myself, or you asking me."

"It's okay Moyashi... You didn't know, you thought you would get through it, but you didn't know." He felt Allen tremble, before a muffled choked out sob came from him. "At least you know now... So just finish telling me another time."


	4. Don't You Dare Leave Me, Kanda Yu!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What... Happened...?"
> 
> "Allen please, you have to stay calm."
> 
> "Why is he there?"
> 
> "Allen."
> 
> The younger stared at the window, as his body trembled. The two nurses behind him, panicing inwardly, as the both set a hand on either one of Allen's shoulders. They knew how fond Allen was of the elder patient, and now they felt guilty, that the younger was stranded at sea, on how this had happened. Allen bit his lip, before fisting his hands against the glass window.
> 
> •  
> •  
> •
> 
> He hadn't moved once since he arrived. Not even Lenalee and Lavi could get him to leave. He just stood there and watched, yet Lenalee and Lavi both took into account the words the child kept muttering like a endless chant.
> 
> "Don't you dare leave me, Kanda Yu."

He was lost. His single grey eye taking in the serene features of the elder teen that was on the other side of the window. He was like a stranded sailor, left behind at sea on a island, whilst the ship he was on sailed on wards.

How did this happen? How could he not have known up until now? Why was Kanda unconscious on the other side of this window? Why did Allen only find out about this now?

It had only be a couple of weeks since they last talked. How could this of happened?

"Why are you over there, Kanda?"

Allen muttered to himself as his hands gripped the thin windowsill. Why was he so far away? He turned around when he heard footsteps and glared at the two nurses who had arrived after getting another doctor. Lavi and Lenalee both stopped in front of the teen. Allen still had his right hand on the window and his left arm hung limp against his side. Allen turned back towards the boy behind the glass window, then looked back at Lenalee and Lavi, though this time with a glare.

"What... Happened...?"

"Allen please, you have to stay calm."

_'You expect me to stay calm? What kind of joke is that?'_

"Why is he there?"

"Allen."

_'Why won't they tell me, Kanda?'_

The younger stared at the window, as his body trembled. The two nurses behind him, panicking inwardly, as the both set a hand on either one of Allen's shoulders. They knew how fond Allen was of the elder patient, and now they felt guilty, that the younger was stranded at sea, on how this had happened. Allen bit his lip, before clenching his right hand against the glass window.

_'Why are you there? Kanda?'_

Lenalee gestured to the doctor, as if to tell Lavi to send him in to help then other doctors who were trying their hardest to help Kanda. She then turned back to Allen, who just stared through the window. In all honesty, Lenalee wanted to know how Allen even got into this section, he didn't have the authority to look over a ongoing surgery, so how did he get into the view room next to the surgery room. There should be someone keeping guard, so where was that person. The girl looked around before noticing the person in the corner and then turned to Allen.

_'He... Knocked the guard out? What is this kid?'_

"Lenalee... Please... Why is he in there?"

"I... I'm sorry, I can't tell you."

"Why? Is it because I'm not family or anything similar?" Allen looked at her, as he gnawed at his bottom lip. "Was it my fault...?"

"Allen. No. Nonono it wasn't your fault. Don't say that."

Lenalee reached out to touch Allen's shoulder but the teen flinched and shuffled closer to the window, at the same time Lavi looked up to see the two, excusing himself from the room.

"It was me. I warned him." Allen frowned as his fist clenching more. "I told him. If it got to much, tell me and I won't say anymore."

"A-Allen... What are you talking about?"

The younger looked at the nurses and then lowered his head. The taste of copper slowly began to fill his mouth, and he then realised he had cut his lip from chewing it so much. Oh well.

"I... Began to tell Kanda some of my past... A couple of weeks ago."

"Allen... Why...? You know his heart is weak."

"Lenalee... Go easy on him."

Lavi set a hand on the girl's shoulder as Lenalee scowled at Allen. Allen trembled a little as he stared at the floor, his hand still in a fist against the window. As the doctors sorted Kanda out.

"I'm sorry. I... I didn't want this to happen. I told him that it was going to be dangerous."

Lenalee just frowned before walking out of the room. She couldn't be in the same room as Allen right now. She had to be away from him, Kanda was in surgery because of the kid, and no matter the reason why Allen was here, or the fact that she was his main nurse whilst he was living in the hospital. Lenalee could not stand to be near him. Lavi just gave Allen, an apologetic smile, before stepping out of the room to calm down the female nurse, who hadn't gotten far and was only really around the corner in the waiting area, but it was far enough for Lenalee that she felt a little more calmer and safer, than being in the same room as Allen.  
Eventually, both nurses had given up on trying to get Allen to go back to his room. They knew seeing this kind of thing wasn't good for anyone's mental state, and Allen being here for psychological reasons, this was probably even worse for the kid, but he didn't moved once. He had stayed in the same spot since he arrived, so Lenalee and Lavi had decided to just leave Allen alone for a few minutes. Kanda still laid on the bed, instead of the table in the room behind the window, and the doctors had left, after deeming Kanda was stable. Lavi and Lenalee had gone to consult with the doctors about Kanda's condition, as Allen just stood there and watched, yet Lenalee and Lavi both took into account the words the child kept muttering like a endless chant.

"Don't you dare leave me, Kanda Yu."

* * *

It had been hours since Lavi and Lenalee had left to consult with the doctors, even though they said to the young boy that they would only be a couple of minutes, they hadn't returned and Kanda was still unconscious. Though, as everything continued to move along outside the surgery and the overlooking room, Allen just quietly stood there tapping against the glass a small tune that Mana had used to sing to him to help him sleep. He continued to chew on his lip, as his left hand clenched at his side, he felt useless. Absolutely useless right now. When he couldn't use his left hand, Kanda had sometimes helped him with stuff like eating or opening bottles of water, but only if Lavi or Lenalee wasn't around to help, and yet here he was standing behind a glass window whilst the elder was probably still suffering as he slept in his unconscious state.  
Lowering his head, Allen stared at the floor as he still continued to tap the tune against the glass, his fringe covering his only visible eye, as his brows furrowed, and he felt his eyes slowly begin to water up. Though on the other side of the window, the younger hadn't noticed the elder was waking up. Kanda's eyes fluttered a little before squinting at the bright light above him, and hissing quietly. His head turned to one side to avoid the brightness, the blue eyes widening a smudge at the person on the other side of the window. Kanda was shocked more than agitated or offended like he ninety-nine percent of the time would be, when it came to Allen. Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, he soon slipped off the side, before stumbling from the numbness in his legs that appeared, due to laying down for way too long. Slowly, and carefully, Kanda made his way over to the window and when he reached it, the elder carefully set his hand on the window trying his hardest not to startle Allen.

"Mo...yash...i?"

The single grey eye instantly stared towards blue eyes, as Allen felt his eye widen at the fact that Kanda was away. His eyes flickered from Kanda's face, to Kanda's left hand which was flat against the window. It was like he was mirroring Allen's actions. Kanda's left hand flat against the window as his right hung limp against his side, the small thin tubes attached to it, as the IV stand stood a couple of centimetres away from the elder patient, and Allen stood there staring at Kanda with a hint of maybe fondness? His left hand was clenched at his side weakly, whilst his right was clenched against the glass window. If Allen flattened his right hand, it would look like those scenes you would sometimes find in some movies, where the two main characters are separated by something or other, and just rest their hands against the glass, as if to let each other know that they could apparently still feel each other's touch, even if they were separated by something.

"K-Kanda... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...."

"Still apologising even when I warned you not to..." Kanda frowned, before letting out a frustrated sigh. "Stupid Moyashi."

"I just... What happened..." Allen gnawed at the inside of his lip as he avoid Kanda's gaze a bit more. "I was really worried... Why are you on the other side to this window, Kanda?"

"It's because my heart faltered."

"Fal...tered?"

"It means it stopped for more time than it should have." Kanda frowned at the younger, and looked away. "Either way... I'm feel fine now, so you don't have to worry..."

"K-Kanda..."

"Also..." Kanda shifted, as he stared at Allen from the corner of his eye. "I won't leave you... Alone... Yet. Baka Moyashi."

"Y-You... H-heard t-that!?!"

"Uhm... I did... Even if I was unconscious, I could still here everything..." Taking a deep breath, he soon sighed before one corner of his lips quirked into a small smile. "I won't leave you alone, Moyashi."

"Mhm." Allen just stared at the elder, gulping quietly, he nodded once, before letting out a quiet whimper, and smiled softly at the elder's statement, about what Allen had said earlier on that day. "Okay, Kanda~!" He lowered his hands and gripped the hem off his shirt, a frown lacing his lips, before he looked back up at Kanda who was currently wearing a blank face. "I guess I'll stop by your room later, if you are in there..."

"You're leaving!?"

"I have a session to get to..."

"B-but... I..."

"Kanda...?"

"It... Uhm..." The elder held his tongue before letting out a small 'tch' and nodding. "It doesn't matter... I'll see you later, after your session maybe."

"R-right..." Allen blinked, his cheeks heating up a little. He really wanted to know what the elder was going to say, but he held his tongue once again. "I'll see you later then..."

The elder watched as Allen soon left the overlooking room, before he let out a sigh he had been holding in, before going back to the bed provided in the room, and waiting for someone to escort him back to his own room, so he doesn't have another falter from his heart. Allen on the other hand, as soon as he left the room, he headed straight for the lift so he could get to the psychiatric ward, and get his lesson with Komui over and done with, so he could go back to talking or disagreeing with the elder patient.


	5. Q: Choose a Number. 1 or 2?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanda and Allen play a game and there is a difficult question that leaves Allen and Kanda questioning for ten minutes.
> 
> Both coming up with theories and answers and disagreeing when one thinks the other's theory is the stupidest, and are always being interrupted at awkward moments of their disagreements.
> 
> Yet, soon enough. Kanda has to make a decision, when Allen is put into possible danger.

This was probably the 16000th Allen has sighed. Why are these questions so difficult. What the hell was Lavi and Lenalee thinking when they gave the duo this game. Kanda stared at his card looking at the question again and again to make sure he hadn't read it wrong. He hadn't. It did say what it said. Allen stared at Kanda as the elder growled and looked up at the younger showing him the card.

 

「Q: If you had to choose between living forever, or having 10 minutes to live. How would you spend your time?」  
『A-1: Mourning about watching loved ones repeatedly die』  
『A-2: Spend time with loved ones for the last 10 min of your life?』

"That's... Oh wow... What the hell?"

"Exactly."

"You think they were drunk when they wrote these?"

"Are you really asking that Moyashi?"

"What... Nea always said 'Difficult times call for desperate measures' so why not?"

"Well for starters I am pretty sure its against the code they agreed to when they did training for medicine related jobs."

"Okay... But Kanda." Allen turned to face the elder, as the elder stared at him. "During the world wars. What was the liquid they used for disinfectant and is in most disinfectants now days?"

"Whiskey."

"Exactly. So if they can use alcohol to tend to wounds. Why can't they drink it on the weekends, and the times they have off? Think about it."

"Okay. You have a point. Whatever, can we just carry and do this question, its irking."

"I lived to see the day Kanda is irked out. I have been blessed." Allen fake mocked looking at his wrist in a time checking moment. "The time is; 12:30 pm on Wednesday, December 15th."

A snort came from Allen, as Kanda just tackled him to the mattress, pinning him there and scowling at the younger as he continued to laugh, before gasping for air and looking at the elder. Realising the situation he was in, the younger's cheeks instantly flared up with a rose pink blush, and gulped quietly.

"T-Two."

"What?"

As Allen went to open his mouth and repeat himself, but they both soon found their bodies had tensed and froze. Kandas door was practically yanked open and they're eyes turned to the nurse standing in the door way. The singular green eye widened at the scene, before Kanda scrambled back and just picked up the card to busy himself with something, and Allen just stared back towards the ceiling. He wasn't going to admit that the frown on his face was from the fact that he couldn't look at Kanda, or have Kanda pinning him to the bed. Nope not at all.

"W-what... When... Huh...W-Wait... How?"

"What do you mean... How?"

"More importantly. What do you mean by 'When'?"

"You two... You're... Not together... Are you...? And this is just a misunderstanding...?"

Allen and Kanda looked at each other before they both scoffed.

"Me with Moyashi?"

"Me with BaKanda."

"Like hell!"

Lavi let out a small squeak when they both snapped at him about his miscalculated theory on their relationship. They were just friends. That's all, and they will decide if their friendship develops further, not other people. Allen sighed and sat up, going to pick another card out of the pack, as Lavi apologised for the misunderstanding and soon left them to the game that Lenalee and himself had given the duo to figure out.

Allen stared at his card and raised an eyebrow at it. Kanda looked at him curious noticing the change in the younger. When did he start doing that? Sighing he leaned over towards Allen, as the younger felt the elder's forehead brush against his own.

 

「Q: If you could control time, what would you do with the ability?」  
『A-1: Go back to the do you something you never got the chance to do.』  
『A-2: Go to the future and find out if your life is how you wanted or the complete opposite.』

"Seriously. What is with these questions?"

Allen looked up at the elder, as Kanda looked up as well, both of them bumping noses and pulled away blushing more than before, - well Allen anyway - avoiding each other's gazes.

"W-Well. I say number two for yours... Kanda..."

"I say one for yours... Allen..."

"Why one?"

"Because two sounds more scary... I mean... Picking two, how do I know if I even survive?" Kanda mumbled as he set the card he was fiddling with to one side and picked up a new one. "It could just be filled with darkness... y'known."

"Kanda... Don't say that..." Allen frowned. "You are gonna survive. You promised me you wouldn't leave me alone here."

"Moyashi... I told you I won't leave yet. I don't know when yet is. I can't control it."

"I know... I just..."

Kanda sighed as he set the card on the bed again and paused for a moment to think about what he was going to do, and if he would regret it. Allen stayed silent as he tried to think of what to say. Though both lifted their gazes, Allen blinked at Kanda as the elder fiddled with the blanket over his legs. What was the older thinking about so intensely.  
Kanda soon sighed and looked at Allen with a stern yet withering expression. He was nervous but he was confident in what he was going to do, but just nervous on Allen's reaction. Allen stared at his friend before his eyes widened at the gesture, biting the inside of his bottom lip, Allen moved closer to Kanda before being tugged into a tight hug.

"U-uh..." Gulping Allen looked up at Kanda as best he could before chewing at his lip. "K-kanda... Why are you... Hugging me?"

"I'm not to sure myself if I'm being honest."

"Oh... Okay... Well I kinda like it..."

"You do?"

"Y-Yeah... It's nice..." Allen smiled and wrapped his arms around Kanda. "I never knew what nice things felt like."

"Moyashi..."

"I probably would've picked the first answer as well... on my question." Kanda looked down at Allen as the younger looked up. "I mean... What if in the future... I was with _them_ and _him_ again... I don't know what I would do..."

"I wouldn't let that happen."

"Kanda. You said it yourself. You don't know when 'yet' is. How do you know if you are gonna be there to stop it? You don't so please don't promise me something that you may never be able to keep."

"Okay."

"Just promise you won't leave me, and you'll stay with me for as long as possible."

"I... I-I promise to stay w-with you for as long as I can."

The younger nodded and buried his head back against the elder's chest, before mumbling a quiet and almost inaudible thank you. The door opened again, and both boys flinched before pushing each other away, their gazes turning towards the nurse standing in the doorway. Lenalee just stood there with a blank expression on her face, she didn't know what to begin asking. She came to fetch Allen because her brother needed him for something, and she comes to find the two hugging. Is this what Lavi was trying to tell her about earlier? Maybe she should've paid more attention to what her boyfriend was trying to get across.

"Allen. My brother wants to see you." She just have to play it cool. "Immediately."

"R-Right..."

The younger slipped off the side of Kanda's bed, and headed towards the door, Lenalee stepping aside for him, before noticing Allen quickly glancing back at the elder, who just blinked at the two of them at the door, his lips pulled into a frown, before he turned his head back to the cards scattered over his blanket. Lenalee turned to Allen, as the younger looked up at her. His lips pulled into a straight line, before he decided to speak up.

"Is... Komui-san in his office, or my room?"

"None." Lenalee winced at the sudden tension in Allen's shoulders. "He is waiting in the restraint room."

"W-wha..."

"T...There... Is someone to see you..."

"Right."

Allen soon left, and Lenalee found herself leaning against the doorframe for support, Kanda turned his head towards the nurse, frowning before clicking his tongue. This made Lenalee turn to stare at the elder patient before frowning at him, as well as questioning why the teen had clicked his tongue. She silently watched the elder sort the cards out and placed them back into their box, before hearing him sigh.

"What?"

"Why did you click your tongue?"

"Why didn't you tell him who came to see him?"

"I..." Lenalee faltered in her cool expression and furrowed her brows. "Because If I told... He may have reacted badly."

At this Kanda raised his head and glared at the nurse before frowning.

"Question: Pick a letter. A or B?"

"W-wha? Kanda... I don't unde-"

"Just do it. A or B."

If she picked A then he would stay here, if she picked B, Kanda was going to leave and follow the younger patient to the restraint room. He wasn't going to let anything happen to the younger patient. Lenalee on the other hand was trying to figure out which would be the best option. Usually people chose the first option given, which would be A, but what if A was going to be something that would cause problems, shouldn't she pick B, though what if B was the one that would cause problems. Which one should she pick? Kanda waited patiently, as Lenalee had her inner turmoil before finally deciding.

"I-I... Pick... I pick B."

Kanda froze, and Lenalee just stood there and stared at the tense form of the elder patient. That was before she was moving out of the way, because Kanda had stood by his decision and soon enough, the elder was out of his bed, and out his room, trying to catch up with Allen, leaving Lenalee clueless. Though the restraint room is a restricted room, so it was going to be difficult for Kanda to even get into there, but he knows he can get to the room, the question is: What should he do when he gets to the room?

 

「Q: Choose a Number. 1 or 2?」  
『A-1: Save Him』  
『A-2: Leave Him』


	6. Little Cheshire Appears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allen doesn't want to see her. Six years. Allen really does not want to see her. He couldn't care why she was here. She was dangerous, possibly more than him. 
> 
> Allen wants to escape.

Allen made it to the restraining room, yet he couldn't hardly breathe properly. It was always something bad when it came to the restraint room, and he didn't want it to be bad. He stared at the door, before taking a calming breath, but it didn't stop his trembling, in fact it actually increased the trembling. The boy had to brace himself against the wall, just so he wouldn't hurt himself if his legs gave out.  
Why did he have to come here? Oh right, someone was here to see him. Someone he probably didn't want to see. Sometimes he wished that what Tyki did to him, would be so extreme that he wouldn't be standing where he was at that moment in time and instead underground like Mana is, at least then, Allen knew he wouldn't have to be scared every second of the day.

"Who wants to see me?"

**"Probably one of them..."**

**"Nea... Don't scare him... He is already scared enough."**

"Nea is... Probably right... It is probably one of them..."

Allen sighed. Great he contributed to the conversation, now they weren't going to leave. Shaking his head he turned back to the door and reached for the handle before he stopped and looked at who called his name.

"Kanda?"

"M-Moyashi..."

Kanda paused to catch his breath and Allen blinked before quickly walking over to the elder.

"Did you... Run here? Are you insane?"

"S-shut up."

Allen did shut up. He was quiet to the point of being frozen as he stared at the wall over Kanda's shoulder. He felt his fingers twitch, before biting his lip a little again, and soon wrapped his arms around the elders waist.

"I'll stay here... And when you come back out, we can go to the garden."

A whimper left Allen, as the younger gritted his teeth. His grip against Kanda's waist tightened, as he let out a shaky breath.

"So whoever is in there, don't let them get to you... You're stronger than you think you are."

"P-Promise... To wait..." Allen whispered, as he took a few breaths to calm himself. "Stay... Here... P-Please..."

"I promise... I won't move from this spot."

"O-Okay... I'll... See you soon."

Kanda nodded before releasing the younger, as Allen gulped quietly and headed towards the room, before knocking on the door. He turned to Kanda as the elder just nodded his head with a small smile, a small worried smile, and Allen smiled sadly before the door opened and he stepped inside. The only sound left was the door closing.

* * *

As soon as Allen stepped into the room, and the nurse left the room closing the door behind him, the younger stared at the camera in the corner and gulped, hopefully it was working now. The next thing Allen did was look at the table that was currently sitting in the room, the bed had been taken out and replaced by a table, but that isn't what scared Allen. What scared him was the person sitting at the table with their back to him.

He knows who it is, and it takes everything in his will capacity to not scream bloody murder and beg to be let out of the room, to run from the corridor and hide in his own room.

"R-Road..."

The girl turned around and stared at Allen with a wide smile, she slipped out of her chair and ran over to him but stopped midway when Allen complete backed up against the door, his grey eye closed tightly as his body trembled a bit.

"Allen...?"

"I-i... U-uh..."

_"Too small..."_

He panicked and looked around the room. He wanted to leave. His thoughts ran wild and he probably felt sorry for Nea and Red. It was the probably only time he would feel sorry for those two.

 _"I need to get out..."_ Road frowned and Allen froze at the expression. _"N-Not good... S-She's angry..."_

"Allen Walker." His breath hitched as he nodded a little. "Why did you run away? Tyki is upset... He won't leave your bedroom."

_"You mean my prison cell?"_

He went to answer but stopped and lowered his head. Even if he did say that he didn't run away, Road wouldn't believe him. He was a plaything for her, nothing more. She would laugh if Allen even muttered that he was here because Tyki went too far, but she wouldn't believe him. She would call him a liar and he would receive punishment and nothing will be able to stop her because Allen knows, he knows that the camera is broke, he knows because he was the one who broke it.

"Six... Years." Allen mumbled as Road stood there frowning still. "I've been here... Six years, and now he decides to send someone."

"He cares Allen."

"Like hell! You and I both know he doesn't care Road!"

**"Allen. Calm down."**

**"Remember what Kanda said."**

Allen lowered his head. Right Kanda. He was waiting for him. When Road started to walk towards him Allen moved slightly away from his spot, he had to stay away from her.

"He really does care for you Allen. He knew what he did and he begged Mama and Papa to let him visit you..." Road said before she stopped walking when he moved to the other wall. "They didn't let him leave the house. He pleaded for years."

"Why should I believe you! You are no better than him."

_"Fuck... I... Wasn't meant to s-say that aloud."_

"You... Ungrateful little bastard."

"I... I didn't mean that..."

"Lying is bad Allen. You of all people should know what happens when we lie."

"R-Road... Wait..."

Allen ran, before he remembered that the younger was always faster, no matter if she was in her silly lolita outfits with ridiculous platforms dolly shoes. As soon as he got to the table he slipped when the younger grabbed his ankle pulling him onto the floor. Even if the camera worked. He was out of view. They both were.  
Struggling Allen tried to get her off him, but it wasn't working and he was scared, and he just wanted to get out of there. He wanted someone to get him out of the room. Literally anyone, as long as he was away from Road. When Road had hold of his wrists, the girl slipped her hand into her small pouch bag. Allen audibly whimpered, he seriously wanted out now. Maybe he should tell Komui that the camera is broken.

Allen recognise that bag, the one that Road always took when the family had to go into a high security building. He was taken to one, so they could show them what the Noah family did to traitors. He never wanted to see it again, but Road's bag, it was specially made to pass through metal detectors. There was a compartment in the bag that she kept her 'toys' in, then there was the  
main where she stuff sweets and drinks to make it seem like an ordinary bag.

"I have your favourite toy Allen... I thought it would make you happy."

"P-Please... Road... I-I'm sorry."

She pulled the cuffs out and Allen let out a sob. He knows what comes next. He knows so well.

"You have to be quiet Allen." He nodded and gritted his teeth, when Road cuffed him to the table. "Tyki will be angry if you're not quiet."

"I-I'll be q-quiet... J-Just... Please don't do this Road..."

"Have you made friends Allen... You must have made some friends... Right..."

"Please... Road..."

"Did you make friends Allen?"

He took a shaky breath and lowered his head, he didn't want to tell her. She would tell Tyki. Tyki can not know about them, he will hunt them down. Allen couldn't do that to Komui, Lavi's family or Kanda's family, but she would hurt him if he didn't. He hated Road, he hated her and her manipulative ways.

"No... No I haven't made any."

"Hmm." She poked him with the point of the needle. "I told you no lying Allen."

"I'm not ly-!"

He whimpered at the pressure on his arm, and trembled. So. It was this punishment. The needles, no knives or daggers. Needle points.

"I said be quiet!"

**"Allen..."**

**"Hold on a little longer..."**

Allen stared at the floor, he couldn't feel his body hardly because Road had used the needles against certain pressure points. He could still lift his head, but it took a lot of effort, he couldn't move his arms or legs though.

"So... Ready to tell me who your friends are Allen? And no lying."

"F-Fuck... Y-You."

He coughed a little and groaned, when he spat a little. His breathing accelerated at the sudden feeling of pain against his cheek. He forgot how bad Road's slaps felt. They really are painful.

"Tell me."

"How... Ironic... That you are torturing me... In a place that heals people... From this bullshit."

"That wasn't what I asked Allen."

"You know my answer Road."

Allen glared at the girl as she sighed.

"I didn't want to do this... But I guess I have to."

"W-What..." Allen stared at her. "R-Road...?"

"That nurse... He isn't a nurse..." Road smiles her signature grin. "I was curious to why you were late coming in." Allen gritted his teeth. "Then I heard you shouting outside... I really am curious."

"D-Don't.. You dare!"

"So there is someone outside...? Boy or Girl? Are they waiting for you?"

Allen panicked he glanced at the door before back to Road, what has he done? Now she knows there is someone out there, and the nurse out there, he wasn't a nurse? But Allen had seen him around the hospital, or is he just someone who works here but is undercover or something, he remembered Lulu mentioning that sometimes the family went undercover.

"Please... Leave him alone..."

"So... The mystery person is a guy." Road frowned. "Interesting... How close are you both?"

"J-Just... Friends... Please don't tell Tyki..."

"I have to. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Tyki 's orders." Road yanked the needle from his ankle. "I don't actually care about you..." Allen groaned when she pulled the next needle out slowly. "But Tyki was practically begging me."

Allen couldn't hold back the cry that left him when Road poked the third needle, putting pressure against it before yanking it out, and she did the same to the next three needles. By the end of the six needles being removed Allen couldn't hide the fact that he was crying. Six years without torture, and now he had to relive Road's torture.

_"Where the fuck is Komui! Where the Fuck is anyone!"_

"Ah! P-Please! Stop, I'm sorry!" He tugged at the cuffs, as Road took another needle from his skin. "STOP IT!"

"Then tell me!"

"FINE... JUST STOP!"

Road removed her hands and held them up away from Allen as the elder gulped, sniffling a little before lowering his head.

"T-Three..." Allen coughed as he whimpered again. "Three people..."

"Well. Spit the names out, I have shit to do, and Lulu doesn't know I am here and I'd be grateful if her and Papa didn't find out!"

"L-Lenalee... Lavi..." He gulped and gritted his teeth. "K-Kanda..."

Road smiled before petting his head in a patronising way, before moving the rest of the needles from his body slowly just for fun, and Allen cried. He cried hard, because it hurt.

"It's a good job this room is soundproof right."

"Fuck... You..." He sniffled again. "And you can tell Tyki, I hope he fucking dies."

"I let him know... It was nice seeing you again Allen."

She removed the handcuffs and packed her bag, before leaving a lollipop next to Allen, as Allen just sat there, he felt his body twitching, and he knew he wasn't going to be able to move just yet without having to have a nurse help him.  
As soon as she was packed up completely and had her coat back on, Road walked to the door, knocking softly and walked out. The nurse following her. Road smiled widely at the elder patient when she walked pass him.

Kanda did not like that smile at all. He really didn’t. He soon found himself walking into the restrain room.

* * *

Blue eyes stared at the silent area, before a muffled sob was heard, with a small click of metal against metal. Soon enough he found Allen down near the back of the room, but closer to the table. Kanda lifted Allen’s head, as he knelt in front of the younger, gently running his fingers through the white strands, before brushing his thumbs against the younger’s cheeks. He was going to kill whoever that girl was, he was going to make sure she felt the pain, so she would know exactly how Allen felt.

“I-I’m sorry… He…” Allen sobbed as he took in a deep breath, “H-He is going t-to… I… K-Kanda… He is g-going… to ki-kill… us…”

“No. No he isn’t Moyashi.”

Kanda soon hugged the younger, before pulling back, and slipping one of the Allen’s arms over his shoulder, his left arm braced against the boy’s back, and his right under Allen’s leg, as he lifted the younger up and made his way out of the room. Kanda shifted the younger in his arms as Allen quietly continued to cry, and repetitively repeat that Tyki was going to hurt them.  
As soon as he got to the main area of the floor, he went to place Allen on one of the chair’s but the younger refused to be put down, by clinging to the elder. Allen had gained movement back, although his movements were sluggish, but he still gained strength. Sighing Kanda, just looked at the receptionist before asking for them to get Lavi or Lenalee, or both of them to the floor asap.

“I’m sorry Kanda…”

“Why?”

“B-because I-I…” Allen gulped as he let out a breathy panicked sigh. “I-I’ve pu-put, you all i-in danger…”

“With who?”

_“H-him…”_

Allen gritted his teeth, and buried his head into the back of his hands that were resting against Kanda’s shirt, as the elder just quietly sat there holding Allen close so he wouldn’t fall off the chair, until Lenalee and/or Lavi got to the reception.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Road will only appear ever so often...


	7. Kaleidoscope Derealizations

After a while Kanda looked round seeing Lenalee round the corner and headed towards the reception, before the receptionist pointed towards where he was sitting with Allen. The younger curled up a little more against Kanda, as the elder lowered his gaze, brushing his thumb over Allen's cheek again, when a single tear fell. Lenalee made her way over, after asking for the receptionist to call her brother up to the floor. Stopping in front of them, Kanda blinked at her, before looking back at the sleeping teen, Lenalee silently sighed, before setting a hand on Allen's shoulder and softly nudging the kid. Kanda watched as the silver slowly showed itself.  
Allen on the other hand felt extremely disorientated, and hazy and not in control. Everything was hazy and he wasn't in control, and when Allen felt hazy and out of control, everything always went bad. As if on cue, Allen felt his breathing accelerate, as he flinched at the hand on his shoulder — Lenalee's hand. Sitting up, with much struggle, as he was still on Kanda's lap, trembling as he looked between the two, before flinching more when Lenalee went to reach out to him again. He could hear her, but it just sounded like he was submerged underwater, and he gulped again, gripping whatever he already had hold off — that being Kanda's shirt — as his breathing became less paced and more escalated.

"Moy...ashi..."

"A...ll..en.."

"W-wha...t..." Allen shook his head a little, "W-what... Happened....?"

Kanda lifted his hand, but stopped when the younger whimpered, but looked at the elder, when the fingers ran through his strands. Lenalee quietly stood there not saying anything, and watching the actions unfold, before lifting her head when she heard footsteps, and saw Komui round the corner. Allen leaned into Kanda's touch — only slightly though — before releasing a quiet sigh and blinked biting his lip. The haze was fading as he gulped, and Lenalee backed up to her brother.

"Wait a few seconds, before you take Allen back to the ward."

"Alright." Komui looked at his sister before back at the two on the bench. "They're becoming quite close... Don't you think?"

"W-well... Kanda, I'm not sure what to say. He seems to only act like this when Allen is disorientated, or upset." Lenalee looked at her brother. "It's... Like... I think, Kanda just knows when the comfort is needed? I'm not sure what else can be the reason."

"Meimei. There are many things that could be a reason." Komui sighed as they turned back to the two, as Allen nodded at what Kanda was saying. "For now, we won't label this. I want to see where and what it will develop into."

"Okay, brother."

Kanda stared at Allen, as the younger took another deep breath. Both did not say a word about the sudden change in Allen's seating arrangements, as the younger sat, straddling the elder on the bench, as Kanda leaned back against the wall behind him, his fingers still carefully being threaded through the white strands. The whole scene looked as natural as anything, but honestly Kanda didn't even know how he was keeping Allen calm. All he did when Allen was feeling out-of-place, was usually sat next to him, or ran his finger's through the younger's hair. Sometimes he would say a sentence, and Allen would in some way or another feel somehow safe? Allen worked in ways that Kanda still couldn't even comprehend.

"W-Where are w-we?"

"Ward 8."

"O-Okay..."

"Take your time, Moyashi."

Allen nodded and sighed, the foggy overlay that Kanda noticed mixed with the grey in Allen's eye, was slowly vanishing, as the younger calmed down. Kanda also noticed that Allen wasn't looking around, to get used to the area surrounding them, instead he was mostly relying on Kanda telling him. Blue eyes looked over to where Komui and Lenalee were talking, before he turned back to the younger. Allen stared at him, blinking once, and then again before leaning closer to Kanda. The elder placed one of his hands between his and Allen's lips, and shook his head, before feeling the younger back away with a flinch, and tinge of hurt in his eye, before Kanda smiled softly and kissed the younger's forehead.

"You're still not a hundred percent, Moyashi." Allen looked at him and blinked. "Don't do something you may regret."

Nodding Allen leaned against him, resting his forehead on the elder's shoulder, as Kanda continued to run his finger's through the white strands, as the younger tried to calm himself down, his arms wrapped around Kanda's chest, as he shifted in the elder's lap. Komui and Lenalee both looked back over at the two, before blue eyes turned towards them, and blinked a little confused, but kept his mouth shut, he didn't want to alert Allen anymore that necessary, not whilst the younger had finally began to calm down.

* * *

 

_Trembles raked the small frail body as he stared at the men in font of him, Tyki was having on of his_ parties _again, and he was once again the snack. A small whimper left the boy, when the hand reached and gripped his hair tightly, the silver eyes teared up as the three laughed, before his stared at the man behind the other three males. The wide grin on his lips as he watched everything unfold, as if he was just reading another one of his books in the library, like the boy would sometimes see the elder do as he carried out his chores._

_"T-Tyki..."_

_"Shut up. Who gave you permission to speak."_

_A muffled yelp left him, before he stumbled back onto the bed, from the slap. He couldn't control the tears that fell, not when he knew what was coming next. It always happened, and he couldn't stop it. He wasn't strong enough, and even if he tried, it would lead to more trouble when it was just himself and Tyki, after the elder's friends left. Silver eyes widened, when one of the men, began to make his way closer towards him. Whimpering as he shook his head, backing up on the bed, before he felt his ankle being grabbed and his leg pulled, to the edge. He tried to shove the man away, but it only lead to his arms being pinned to the bed._

_"P-Please... D-Don't!" A strangled cry left him, as he struggled more. "No! S-Sto—!"_

『— • — • —』

『 _Allen shot up in his bed, his eyes widened as he took a deep breath of arm, and shivered from the thin layer of cold sweat that coated his body like a thin blanket. His body trembled, as he took in the room he was in, taking slowly deep breaths calming down as best as he could, before a sudden spark of pain throbbed in his head, and he instantly lifted his hand to his head, and hissed.  
Removing his head from his hands, Allen choked seeing the blood covering it, before looking at the room, his eye widened, at the red that covered it and shook his head, trembling as he searched for the button so he could call Komui, but to no avail he couldn't find it. Though Allen's whole body froze when he heard the chuckle, and looked round shaking his head, it wasn't real. It couldn't be real._

_"T-Tyki..."_

_"Why do you try to run? You will never escape us Allen."_

_"It's not real. You aren't here. This isn't real."_

_"Who are you trying to convince? Kanda? Those nurses? The voices? Yourself?"_

_"I-I... Shut up!"_

_Allen trembled as the man walked closer to him, and he shook his head stumbling from the bed, to the door, trying to get out, before the room shifted into something worse, and Allen dropped to his knees, as he trembled, the red still covering his body, before he looked up at the battered and bruised body on the bed, and felt his breath hitch at the small boy, before the tears ran down his face. He could never escape._ 』

* * *

A scream ripped from him, as he struggled thrashed about in his bed, the rushed footsteps outside, grew louder before his room door was flung open, and boy Komui and Lavi entered the room, Komui soon set to holding the younger boy down before Lavi injected the sedate into Allen's arm, with much difficulty. Once again, Allen's struggling slowly began to grow sluggish as the younger blearily opened his eyes, seeing the blurred outline of red and purple turned into a blackish grey figure. A pained gasp leaving him as he gripped the quilt, trying to reach out for something.

"Ma—na"

A small breath was released from Allen, as his movements halted, and everything went black again. The two males looked at the unconscious boy, as Lenalee stopped outside of the room, pacing her breath, before looking at Allen, and then towards Komui and Lavi as if to ask what happened. Her gaze turned back to the teen, as the eye patch he was wearing, sat on the quilt, his arms covered in small blunt scratches, with small blotches of blood in certain segments of the scratches. His legs tangled in the sheets as his chest slowly raised and lowered indicating that he was still breathing.

"Let's get him cleaned up whilst he is still out of it."

"R-Right..."

Both Lenalee and Lavi, soon began the to sort out the boy's bed and Allen himself, whilst Komui went to make a open spot to schedule another meeting with Allen, as well as document the sudden episode. Komui actually was curious to what went on in that little visit between Allen and his visitor, well he'll wait till Allen is ready to tell him, there was no point in forcing him to give the information, after all Komui didn't want to make the boy anymore distant than what he was during their sessions. It was after Lenalee and Lavi had finished cleaning Allen up, and changing the bed sheets, plus replacing the eye patch, that the teen had damaged in his sleep-induced episode. Komui came to check on Allen, as Lenalee had stayed with the boy, whilst Lavi went to continue doing his work. Lenalee didn't want to leave Allen alone, just in case anything happened again, and she had told her brother this, which Komui just sighed and agreed to allowing her to stay, but told her to call him if anything happens at all.

•  
•  
•

It was hazy and blurred once again, and he felt thirty times more distorted than when he last felt distorted. Sighing, Allen opened his eye and cringed at the brightness, before turning his head to the side and blinked seeing blurry green and blue. The person or people? He still couldn't make out if it was one or two people, but said point of topic turned to look at him, probably because of the sigh he had released.

"Ah, you're awake.... Kinda..."

_'Lenalee.'_

"I'll tell Komui-nii."

_'No...!'_

Allen let out a distorted grunt of disapproval at Lenalee's plan. He didn't want to see Komui, not yet anyway. He just wanted silence, and maybe the voices. Silence, Red and Nea. Nothing else. Lenalee looked back towards the kid as he gnawed at his bottom lip. Blinking she sat back in her seat and thought a little as Allen turned his back to her, flinch at the pains. It wasn't physical pain, but mentally the pain that the nightmares he had, had brought back to him.

"S-Shall... I get Kanda?"

"NO."

Allen coughed as he gasped a little. His voice scratchy and rasped up from the screaming he did earlier as he took a deep breath, shaking his head at her question.

"Then... What would you like?"

"I..." What did he want? "I want to go to the roof."

Lenalee bit her lip before nodding. Allen sat up moving his legs from the chair and then setting them on the carpet, his eyes stared at the floor before Lenalee held out an eye patch for him and he took it with trembling hands. What was he even going to do when he reached the rooftop. Standing up, he placed a hand on Lenalee's arm as they walked out of his room and towards the rooftop. A soft sigh came from Allen when the silence in his head was soon broken.

**"A-Allen. We're so sorry."**

**"Yeah. Though we were there somehow... You locked us out."**

_' I'm sorry. '_

**"Don't. Apologize. You couldn't help it."**

_' I'm scared guys. '_

**"It's okay to be scared. Red and I won't leave you, we're here to help even if we can be annoying."**

**"Speak for yourself, Nea."**

Allen smiled softly and let out a quiet chuckle, which alerted Lenalee. The elder nurse looked towards the younger and blinked before furrowing her brows. She was curious to why Allen randomly laughed.

"Are you okay Allen?"

"H-Huh? Oh I-I'm okay..."

"Alright then. We're nearly at the rooftop, would you like me to stay with you?"

"N-no I'm fine by myself."

* * *

The kid sat on the bench and sighed, before staring at his arms. He has no idea how long he has been sitting here, and he isn't really that bothered by it, but he hopes Lenalee didn't tell anyone he was up here. Standing up he made his way to the wall, before climbing to sit on it. Allen bit his lip ー hard ー to the point that it was bleeding. He was scared. Really scared of what Tyki was going to do and the fact that Road could get into the hospital when she wanted. He was in danger, and there is always a way out, right? Sometimes the way out is just more difficult that surviving through it.

**"Allen... W-What are you doing...?"**

The younger looked over the edge of the wall and gulped at the drop. All he had to do was turn arouns so his legs were dangling over the edge with the long drop to the floor below, and a single slip and it would be over. He wouldn't have to go back to Tyki. Worry about Road. He would be free.

_'Just... A small slip and... Anー'_

**"What about Lenalee? Lavi?"**

**"What about Kanda."**

Allen froze for a second before lowering his gaze and if the voices had physical bodies Allen was pretty sure Red was glaring at Nea with disapproval. Though Nea was right. If he jumped, he would be leaving Kanda, but he couldn't handle the nightmares and relapses or breakdowns anymore. It was getting too much, and he still has the constant fear that _he_ was the reason for Kanda's heart faltering that one time. He was scared it might happen again.

He trembled as he sat there debating between jumping and not jumping. He would be letting them all down. He said he would try his best to pull through, but he can't. He can't do it anymore. As he went to slip a leg around to get ready the door slammed open, and Lavi stood there with Kanda and Lenalee.

"WHY! Why did you leave him up here alone!"

Lavi stared at Kanda as the elder patient glared at Lenalee before heading over to Allen, the younger shaking as he sat on the wall, the tears that had began to build up, finally falling before he took the elders hands and slipped off the wall and hugged him.

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I didn'tー I won't do it again."

"It's fine."

Allen continued to cry, gripping Kanda's shirt as the elder ran his fingers through the younger's hair as he whispered quiet _it's okay_ 's and _don't worry_ 's to Allen's sorrys. Kanda listened catching a few words through Allen's sobs, coughs and hiccups, hearing small sentences about Tyki and his nightmares and how he was going to get everyone killed.  
Lenalee and Lavi stood near the door as Lavi tried to calm the girl down, who was panicking on the verge of tears because she left Allen alone and the younger had almost commuted suicide and her brother was going to shout at her and she could possibly loose her job.

"Allen." The younger choked a little and nodded against Kanda's chest. "Can you do me a favour?"

"W-what?"

"I need you to take a deep breath."

Allen looked at the elder as Kanda led them to a bench away from Lavi and Lenalee, sitting both of them down. Allen stared at Kanda, as he nodded and tried to take a calm deep breath, but just ended up choking on a sob, before being pulled into a hug.

"Don't rush. Take your time."

"D-Does it h-hurt...?"

"No. It doesn't hurt."

Allen frowned and lowered his head, before hugging the elder again. _' Yes, Allen... It really hurts. ' _Kanda hugged the younger back as he openly glared at Lenalee and Lavi, said male nurse stepping in front of Lenalee, shielding her from the site and Kanda's glare.__

__"I promised you... Allen." Kanda whispered to the younger as he continued to let out small sobs. "So you promise me... Please."_ _

__He felt Allen nod his head and cough a little. The younger's grip tightening against his cardigan, the smaller frame relaxing as Kanda ran his fingers through the white strands._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. I gave obviously given up at the moment on making these two hate each other... So~ please bare with me, I have to go back and read/watch D.Gray-Man again (for another 6 years) ;=;


	8. Dancing with the Shadows of Fear

Allen just sat there. He had been for hours. It was only about ten minutes ago that Komui began to rush around the office gathering papers, as Allen just continued to sit curled up in the chair, arms wrapped around himself as he buried his head slightly into his knees that were pulled up to his chest and the back cushion of the chair. His breath laboured as he tried his hardest not to freak out. It had happened again, another nightmare, and he couldn't stand being in darkness or alone. Shadows of his nightmares haunted him. Komui had suggested a strait jacket for safety of himself and others around him, and all Allen could do was agree, because he didn't want to harm anyone.

"Okay... How are you feeling, Allen?"

Komui watched the boy as he tried to bury his head further into the chair, not ready on saying a single word. Allen didn't want to talk. He just didn't want to be alone. He didn't want the shadows to come back. There was only so much Nea and Red could do to keep his mental stability well stable. He didn't want to see anyone, he didn't want anyone to see him like this. He had already hurt Kanda enough from when he tried to jump from the rooftop. Road did not help one bit. Allen was just so scared. So, so scared of those dancing shadows. He was scared of how all his fears would begin to dance around him if he even thought of sitting in a darkened room, or trying to sleep.

"Okay... Would you like to talk about anything?"

More silence, and a small sigh left Komui. His eyes dulled in pity and a small flinch left Allen, as the silver eye took in that expression, through the strands of his hair.

"Don't... _STARE._.. like that!" His breathing laboured more. "D-Don't look at me _like_ that!"

"Like what?" Komui looked at the boy. "Stare at you like what, Allen?"

"Like... Like i'm incapable of looking after myself..." Allen choked out the sentence before flinching and curling up more. "Like... Like I'm an injured stray cat on the side of the road..."

The sounds of scratching on paper filled the room, as Allen gulped and clenched his teeth, trying not to whimper or cry to himself. Komui continued to take notes, before lifting his head towards the white-haired patient.

"Allen... Would you like to talk about your visitor?"

His breath hitched, his body trembled and struggled in the jacket. Allen couldn't hold back the strained sob he had been holding back at the mention of his time with Road.

The pin pricks of the needles returning back to his body.

Allen shook his head in reply to Komui, his toes curling, as he struggled still.

"Alright... Then how about we talk about your friends..." Komui jotted down a few notes against the bullet point labelled 'Visit' before moving to the next one labelled 'Voices' and then back to Allen. "How are you and... Was it Red and Nea, how are you all getting along?"

Allen gulped and shook his head again. He didn't want to speak anymore. He wanted it to stop. The pain, the questions, everything. He just wanted it too end. As soon as he closed his eyes, Allen regretted it. Red is all he saw, walls covered in red flames and the sounds of a gun shot.

 

A flinch hit his body like he was being shot.

 

The single name that ripped itself from his throat had escaped leaving Komui stunned.

"Mana? Who is Mana, Allen?"

He didn't get any replies just more sobs and flinching from him. Komui soon gave up when the younger released a muffled pained scream.

 

The therapist was soon on his feet and pressing the button on his office phone to contact the reception, quietly but demanding that they send Lenalee, Lavi and if possible patient Kanda Yū to his office immediately.

 

 

Not even moments later, the two nurses opened the door, Lenalee stepping in first before Lavi, just to be shoved out of the way when Allen let out another painful cry, and Kanda stepped into the room. Lenalee quietly huffed at the elder patient, before Lavi just patted her back. Kanda looked at Komui before the therapist pointed to the couch near the corner of his office and the elder patient made his way over to the boy, as Lenalee and Lavi walked over to the therapist.

Lenalee throwing a questioning glance at her brother, though just when Komui was about to explain, it was interrupted by a sickening cry, and the three just stared as Kanda turned towards them, glaring, but they noticed the edges of his glare slowly starting to wither. So as a show of respect the three nodded before stepping out of the office, Komui locking the door behind them. Kanda soon sat down behind the younget, before he felt Allen flinched in his arms, when he wrapped them around the boy.

 

Struggling once more. Kicks aimlessly aimed against the cushions. Cries becoming more hysterical. Eyes closed tighter.

 

The voices in his head struggling to get him out of his nightmare, and back to some form of tranquillity, as for Kanda he just continued sitting on the edge of the couch, his arms firmly wrapped around the younger, as Allen still struggled with his back to the elder.

"Moy _ashi_!" It was hissed, "Snap the fuck out of it." A choked sob left the younger as he shook his head again. "Wake Up."

_**"Allen... Please..."** _

_**"Listen to him...!"** _

The younger began to have a coughing fit before opening his singular working eye with great difficulties, as the dried tears had stuck his eyelashes together whilst lathering them up with constant wet ones. The sting around the rims of his eyes was painful. The first thing he took in was the woollen cream covered arms around his own restrained arms. The second thing was the soft breathing against his neck. The last thing was the warmth that was radiating from the body behind him, causing Allen to bite his bottom lip to stop himself from crying again.

"Y-Yū..." A small huff was heard beside his ear, before feeling he cool breath against his skin. The younger gulped, not turning his head to face the elder. "I-I... Yū... I-I'm... S-Still in Komui's o-office...  _right..._?"

"Yeah... You are..."

A small nod as the younger took a deep breath and let out a small sob, before feeling the arms tighten around his body more, and let out a faint breath when the elder gently buried his head into his neck. Allen bit his lip closing his eye slightly as it teared up, before letting a small whine as if to tell the elder not to let go, and Kanda nodded against his shoulder.

 

 

It had been a few hours since his episode again, and he laid on the couch, head resting on Kanda's lap as the elder leaned his head back against the cushions of the couch, his fingers softly running through Allen's hair. The two of them bathed in the silence, to the point where Kanda literally thought that Allen had fallen asleep if it wasn't the shift and uncomfortable whimper the younger let out sometimes. Sighing the elder helped the younger sit up before undoing the front buckles, and back knot of the strait jacket. The sleeves hanging over Allen's hands, just for him to lift them up to Kanda's face, as the elder just watched him, before he felt the younger kiss him softly. Wrapping an arm around Allen's waist, Kanda pulled the younger onto his lap, as Allen soon wrapped his arms around Kanda's neck, slowly pulling away a little, his cheeks flustered a little.

"Y-You let me... Do it this t-time..."

"Hn."

_**"Finally!"** _

_**"Congrat's Allen... You finally decided to move on with something."** _

"S-shut up." Mumbling, Allen looked away flushing before he realised he had said it aloud, and looked up instantly towards the elder,  "I-I..."

The apology on his tongue died immediately when he saw the glare from Kanda.

"D-don't." Kanda sighed, before resting his head against Allen's shoulder. "It was them... Right..."

"Does... Does it hurt...?"

"Not... Really..." Kanda mumbled, before letting out a quiet sigh as the sleeve covered hand softly stroked his hair. "May...be a little... Yeah."

"I'm sorry."

"Why?"

Kanda looked up at Allen, as the younger blinked and looked away a little, avoiding eye contact with Kanda, until the elder gripped his jaw and forced him to look at him.

"Why are you sorry, Moyashi?"

"I-I..."

"You didn't do anything, it's not always your fault." Allen nodded and bit his lip, before Kanda released his jaw and sighed. "Why don't we just sleep a little?"

"O-Okay."

 

 

It was a while before Komui returned to collect some papers for his, next session. It was a good job that the hospital did have other rooms to have the therapy sessions in, because when he entered his office, he wasn't really expecting it, but then Komui was expecting something to greet him. Though the two boys lying on the couch near the back of his office, legs tangled, Allen's back to the couch cushions as Kanda held him close with his back to Komui. It wasn't something that Komui was expecting so soon from the duo, but maybe, he had miscalculated. Shaking his head, the therapist just quietly sighed to himself before silently collecting the file needed and then making his exit. He would let them rest a little before having them go back to their rooms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH heyo guys! Look who decided to return~  
> I am sooooooo so so so sooo sorry. Please forgive me and my abandonment of our boys.  
> I promise to (hopefully) update more on time.
> 
> (On another note. I doodle our boys: [Early Mornings](https://www.instagram.com/p/BaZlMY0hmjk/) )


	9. Hold me close, don't let go and watch me burn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song - Hospital For Souls - BMTH  
> (Good song theme for this fic heh)
> 
> I return (sorry for the long break... I've made two more dgm fics because I'm an idiot) back to here. Im sorry. Plus I forgot how councilling... therapy (whatever you wanna call it) works.

"Kanda..."

"Shut up."

"Okay..."

Silence fell over the room once again, as the albino wrapped his arm around Kanda's waist more, shifting a little where he laid, before burying his face more into older patient's collarbone. Kanda just quietly sighed and wrapped his arm around the scared teen's shoulders, his fingers tangling themselves gently in the white strands, as they just laid there.

"Uh--"

"Moyashi... shut it."

"I.. know.. but..."

"What?"

Allen looked at the elder as Kanda frowned a little, before rolling his eyes, sighing when Allen smiled softly and leaned towards the Asian teen, shifting a little in his spot.

"Fine."

The Brit instantly kissed him, but only softly, and just the once. Pulling back, Allen just ended up quietly chuckling at the scowl he got from Kanda, it almost looked like a pout, but because it was coming from Kanda, it most likely wasn't a pout. The albino soon kissed the irritated teen again, and Kanda gently gripped Allen's jaw, before pressing harder against his lips, a small gasp leaving the younger before the sleeve covered hand gripped the cream coloured cardigan tighter, a small whine leaving Allen as he shivered.

"Y-Yuu."

"Shh for a second."

A flinch ran through Allen at faint footsteps getting louder, and then the click sound from the door being opened to the office. His body tensed up, before feeling the fingers play with the strands of hair near the nape of his neck, as he buried his head against the elders collarbone again, flustering a rosy pink as the door closed behind the new room occupant. There was a pause from Kanda as he tried not to concentrate on the hot breath brushing over his skin, that was leaving the albino patient, and looked over his shoulder a little just to gesture at the therapist about being quiet. Kanda turned his head back round when the quiet whine was quietly heard from Allen, alerting Kanda, and soon the Japanese teen went back to messing with the white strands gently.

"Kanda."

"Hm?"

"How have you both been?"

"Asleep." A small huff left him, before he turned to Komui over his shoulder again. "How long have we been here for?"

The therapist turned to his watch on his wrist, pausing his hunt for patient files in the file cabinet; then towards the duo patients on the couch, and smiled softly.

"Around three hours. Lavi and I checked on you both a few times, but you were sleeping so deeply." A small chuckle left Komui, which caused Kanda to raise an eyebrow. "Lavi got scared a few times, because the two of you were almost unresponsive. You wouldn't react to any sound or touch from this side of the room." Turning back the file cabinate, he heard the tired sigh leave the adult. "Though Allen twitched a few times when Lavi had called out, or stepped closer to the couch, so he calmed down after that."

"Stupid rabbit."

"I guess he is, but he is good at his job."

A small huff came from Kanda, he faced back towards the kid in his arms, and began to wonder if he should move the kid back to his room, it means he wouldn't be able to stay with him, but it also meant that Komui didn't have to tiptoe around his own office anymore.

"Uh... Komui..."

"Yes?"

"Should we, leave?"

Kanda felt the body in his arms tense, the younger's grip tightening, as grey eyes opened slightly, as a quiet almost unheard mumble of his name left the albinos lips, and Komui sighed. Kanda began to run his finger down the younger's spine, though the jacket, earning him a small shiver and a shuddered breath against his neck. As much as the therapist knew he would need his office back sooner rather than later, as well as the extremely high chances of Allen having another episode if he was alone, he couldn't deny that Kanda was right. He needed his office and they both should've been back in their rooms two hours ago. Especially Allen.

"I think it's not the best idea, but I do need my office back. However..."

Komui paused setting the files on his desk, pausing his task of putting them away, and removing the ones for tomorrow's sessions.

"It's against the ward rules... But he won't let anyone else near him. So we have no other option if we want him to get better."

"Komui... Get to the fucking point."

"Stay with him. For tonight, only."

Kanda paused his actions, and wide blue eyes stared at the therapist before looking away, as Allen mouth his name against his neck, shifting where he laid. The silent please whispered against his skin had the elder gulping before nodding slowly. Kanda wasn't scared, he was just in shock. Shocked at the fact that Komui had even suggested it, knowing it was against the rules. The only people allowed to visit the patients in the same ward as Allen, were family members or the staff assigned to said patients.

"A-Alright..."

"Thank you. If you needs anything, just press the button."

"I know."

Allens brows furrowed as soon as Komui left the room again, after placing the files back into the cabinet that weren't needed. A small gasp came from Allen as he twitched when Kanda had shifted in his spot, pulling Allen closer to him. A gentle kiss to the crown of his hair, had Allen softly mumbling a thank you, as the two voices woke up and soon began to announce their presences once again, now that he was awake as well.

_**"Is this a good idea?"** _

_**"Don't ask me. I mean he keeps Allen calm."** _

_**"That's our job Nea!"** _

_**"Yes, and what a fantastic bloody job we have been doing lately."** _

_**"Take your sarcasm Nea, and shove it up your arse, you prick."** _

_'Guys... Please...'_

**_"Sorry Allen..."_ **

_'Dont worry. I'll be safe. I trust him.'_

 

* * *

 

Allen curled up in his bed, Kanda laid next to him, holding the younger's hand as he slept quietly. Both their backs facing the wall, though Allen was closer to the wall, whilst Kanda was closer to the door, mostly because the bed was pushed into the corner against saod wall, and Kanda's IV was beside the bed. Komui didn't want Allen getting tangled in the night and possible on accident yanking the needle from Kanda's arm.

So grey eyes followed the thin tube that he had watch Komui place back into Kanda's arm, before simplifying the explanation to Allen. Kanda had to have his IV changed and his check ups, due to being left with him for a long time, since he has his heart problems that needed to be monitored every few hours or at least three times a day. The pale hand reached for the area where it was placed, his fingers brushed faintly over the gradually forming bruise, before his hand was gripped tighter, and a pained exhale left the elder.

"Sorry."

"It's fine. Just don't touch my arm."

"'Kay..."

"Sleep, Moyashi."

Allen curled up more against Kanda, wrapping his arms around his waist, burying his head into the elders back, hand gripping Kanda's more almost like he was scared that Kanda was going to vanish on him. As Allen took calming breaths, trying to sleep once more, Kanda, softly ran his thumb over Allen's knuckles, trying his goddamn hardest to keep the younger calm. He knew it wouldn't last, the calmness. It never did. Soon Allen would be at it again, breaking down or something along those lines.

 

It was only a matter of time.

When it came it small, and it was at four in the morning.

Three hours after they had finally both dozed off.

Three hours and thirty minutes after Allen had aroused him from his tranquillity of a drugged up state of peace.

 

 

It may have been small, but Kanda had seen Allen's small episode turn into huge ones and it wasn't a pretty sight.

It started with a small whimper, and a tightened grasp around his hand, then the breath against his shoulder and neck, where Allen's head rested, had began to gradually accelerate. By time it reached the muffled cry that left those bruised lips from all the worrying Allen had done over the past few months, it had Kanda reaching for the button to alert the nurses.

Letting go of the younger's hand, to pull the needle from his arm, it was a bad idea and Komui will scream at him later but his main concern right now was Allen. Turning around was as difficult as it sounded, -- honestly what with the tightly wound, vice like grip Allen's arms had on his waist, -- but when he did turn completely to face the albino, he instantly cradle Allen's face gently in his own hands.

"Moyashi. Oi, wake up!"

It was hissed out but there was no answer just a little struggle as the albino tried to remove his head from Kanda's grasp. Kanda cussed under his breath, pulling the boy into a hug, a less muffled but still strained cry was heard, and Kanda felt arms wrap around him once more. He thought the kid would calm down just like this, but then the door to Allen's room had unlocked and was pushed opened in a rush, a few milliseconds after that the lights flicked on, which momentarily blinded Kanda in the process, so he just quietly cussed at the nurse, as he buried his head into the pillow above Allen's.

"Hey, Yuu." Blue turned to the singular green eye, "Think ya can maybe let'im go?"

Teeth griding before he careful switched their spots around and then unravelled his arms from the lithe, trembling body next to his. Hands brushing gently over the pale arm, just to try and unhook them from around him, and as soon as Kanda did, Allen was being pulled away from him.

That's when everything kicked off.

Silver eye snapped open before the screams began, it was a good thing that they had removed him completely from the bed, because as soon as Allen had snapped out of whatever dazed memory he had delved into, the kid lashed out at anyone who was trying to touch him which was Lavi and this other nurse. It was kind of impossible not to, since they had to hold him. Kanda sat up slightly in his bed, quietly gripping the sheets as he grounded his teeth hard and the scene happening in front of hin.

"Allen! Calm down. I'm still here!"

"K-Ka..nda!"

"Moyashi! Calm down. _Please_."

Lavi looked at the elder patient as Allen struggled in his and another nurses arms, Lenalee carefully rounding the corner with a needle, blue eyes widened, which alerted the silver one in fright. So just before Allen could struggle anymore when he turned to the direction Kanda was looking and seeing the needle, his arm was firmly held out. Allen just cried and screamed more, as the sleeping drug was inserted into his system, and gradually the slender figure slumped in the arms of Lavi and the other nurse's -- who's name Kanda couldn't remember for life of him, Rafikei or something.

Soon when everything was slowly starting to simmer down, blue eyes glared towards Lavi and Lenalee as he sat in his bed, a growl leaving him, the emotion lacing withing, was almost something akin to possessiveness.

"Y-Yuu... calm down..."

"Give him."

Lavi gestures to the nurse -- Rikei that's his name -- and soon Lavi had carefully slid his arm under Allen's legs and shifted him in his arms before carrying him over to Kanda. The patient held his arms out carefully taking the younger from Lavi, just to wrap his arms around him. The calm breathing letting the Japanese teen known that Allen is still okay, as much as okay can be for them.

"Leave."

"Alright kiddo. We'll leave ya both for now."

As soon as the door closed, Kanda relaxed slightly and let out a deep sigh, his eyes turning towards the calm expression over the sprouts face, before lifting a hand to brush the hair from the younger's face. Figures tracing the marred skin forming the scar ocer his eye.

"Moyashi... You're okay now... They've gone."

Kanda would rather be dead, then be caught feeling scared for anything in general, but that didn't matter, because Lavi and Lenalee both knew, oh how badly they knew, that Kanda was frightened everytime Allen had a relapse. He was frightened and that scared him, because he doesn't know what to label this relationship and honestly he doesn't want to, because if he did then that means acknowledging the relationship and that means admitting defeat to his feelings. Feelings he only showed around two people at most. Lenalee and Lavi.

 

* * *

 

 

_**Allen...** _

_Mana?_

**_Wake up, Allen._ **

_W-what... i am awake though?_

**_Are you?_ **

**_Don't you have someone waiting?_ **

**_You need to go back Allen._ **

_M-Mana wait!_

_What do you mean?_

_MANA!_

 

* * *

 

 

A gasp left him as the blearly single silver eye slowly opened, misted over, like white powder had be softly sprinkled over the silver, before being greeted by a broad chest covered in the green shirt. Sucking in a deep breath, before wincing when he tried to move his arm, his whole body felt sluggish and Allen did not like it. A quiet groan came from the body next to him, as it shifted a little and soon tired blue eyes were staring at his singular one.

"You're awake."

"I..."

A frightened gulp left Allen after the single noun, which lead to Kanda frowning a little at the worries, but also ready to snap if the kid even thought of apologising. So when the next lot of words left his friends -- ? -- to say Kanda was shocked would be an understatement, no he was more confused than anything. 

"Kanda... I... I heard Mana..."

As the silver eyes, glossy from the unshed tears that wanted to fall, Kanda had no words to say to this situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm also back in councilling so yeah... that's not too good but good.
> 
> It kinda sucks because 90% of my fics are based around similar situations I get into.. which some are trigger low-key worthy. But experience us the best teacher to be honest.
> 
> Not that I get into these situations on purpose, that's just asking for something bad to happen on purpose eventually and I don't want that.


End file.
